It is 8:30am. As I sit down with my cup of coffee with cream and sugar, I am now finally ready to write after trying to get the house orderly for about half an hour. I'm not sure what to actually write about at this moment, so I suppose I should start on why I started this journal.
It started about a few months ago I expect, I was talking to my friend Jamie-Lee over a Skype call, we like each other very much and he wants to start dating as soon as he visits me in February,. Getting back to the main topic, we talk about the normal stuff and what we like when he asks me a question I did not expect to answer "What do you want to do for a living?". This is the first time my mind goes to blank when I heard that question, "What do I want to do for a living?" Obviously, you would have thought I would have said to be an artist, or a cartoonist, but I didn't. I simply replied "I don't know..". Why didn't I say the other answers? After that my thoughts began to drift off to why I froze up like that.
About a week later I had my answer, I was torn to what I want to do and what I should do. Before you start to get confused let me explain, lets say I do become a cartoonist or a artist with college diploma to show, it cost quite a few penny to buy the supplies you need, paints, canvas, pencils, and so on. Furthermore, artist do not make as much money as any other jobs so I would have to get another job to pay the bills or to even bring the bread home. If I was to get a job as a bank teller, engineer, accountant, etc. I could get well paid and be able to live on my own one day; however, I will not be happy as to working behind a desk as I am working on my next artwork.
Now that I have explained myself you see why I feel torn, I want to do what I love as a living. Nothing would make me happier than to work in the art world, but at the same time I feel as if I should get a better plan for my future so one day I can be able to raise a family life one day and for them to have a life without worry about taxes or financial debt. I tried to get my mind off it for a bit now, but this vex feeling...
Last night the feeling really hit me hard, I felt nothing but bitter anger and sickness toward myself. Jamie came home for his outing with Chris (his friend) and once he called me I tried to get my mind off it; nonetheless, I failed. I told Jamie about my vex feeling and why I sounded so vacant, this was the third time I have told him I have felt like this and he answered "We'll discuss this when I come over to America. For now, don't worry so much and focus on getting your GED." As much as I wanted those words to ease my mind, it only made me worry even more. When Jamie went to sleep, I begin to think of ways of easing my mind, one idea lead to another till one thought popped into my mind. "Perhaps venting my emotions on to my notebook will help." Yes, of course! Venting always helped in the past, why not now? Suddenly I stop to think and realized that I didn't want to hide these emotions. I didn't want to post it on tumblr for many reasons, the main reason was that I use it for my art and opinions then to write my deep thoughts down. I remembered that I made a blogger account, the perfect place to vent off whenever I needed it.
That's how this journal came to be. Right now as I sit here with my almost empty coffee cup, I read back to what I written for the past 50 minutes, only one thought pops into my head.
"I sure do take my sweet time writing."
With best regards,
Kat
